MKE Week 20 – The End of the End

Slowly, slowly I saw it all come to an end. The end has been a long process, just like the beginning. They have both been going on forever it seems.

Is there a definite time when the apple decides to finally let go of the branch where it has been attached and grown for months? Yes. there is a time for that. A very, very special moment. A final goodbye.

They overlapped so beautifully, the beginning and the end. As of today I declare that this is really the end of the end of holding on to something that is no longer there.

A certain thing about myself has been very hard to detect and unveil. Even when I detected it, that part was extremely stubborn and unwilling to let go and forgive. It is that part of me that needs so stubbornly to “be right”, at the expense of being happy. It is really quite childish, I know, but… and I have to embrace, accept and love this part of me too. My inner, ever so childish “know-it-all”. A small part of me that has been angry and felt disrespected. It is that smallest part of me. The angry four year old who was so mistreated, left out, abused, forgotten. That hidden little girl that was so afraid and so very, very sad. She could not feel love and she was certain love was not real anyway.

I can see her sitting in the corner like a little puppy that has been beaten so many times that the only thing she knows is to bite, growl and scream if anybody even tries to get close to her.

I decide to, very slowly, go and sit down next to her. In silence. We sit there for a while. I breathe. I am focused. Present. I am now that calm, peaceful and kind grown up who wants nothing from her. The one she never had growing up. The one that loves her unconditionally. I am there for her and we sit still for a long, long time…

I put her favorite teddy bear in front of her. She turns away from me. Closes up even more. I wait and after a long time I put another favorite stuffed animal in front of her. She does not move. Not an inch, so I decide to move the two toys just an inch closer to her.

After a few minutes I can feel her relax. I take a deep breath. I feel her pain, her fear, her anger and distrust. I can also feel her relax a little.

I put a third stuffed animal in front of her. And then a white paper bag filled with her favorite candies… and so, finally, the tears come.

Slowly, slowly she reaches out for her favorite teddy bear and the bag of candy. She opens it, peaks into it. I can see her smile through the tears. She picks out a green Swedish Fish and puts it in her little mouth. She doesn’t look at me. She just holds her teddy bear, hugs it gently and she picks out some more pieces of candy and put them on the floor in front of the stuffed animals.

I just sit there and watch her. My precious inner child, only four years old. After some time she looks up at me and I can see her face. It looks softer and yes, there is a smile on her lips.

And then, like magic, she slides closer to me and starts to climb up into my lap… I hold her and we both relax and cry. Not long after she offers me a piece of candy. I smile and she puts it in my mouth. We both giggle and I hug her for a long, long time…

It has been 57 years since we parted… and now, now we are back together.

In another world an apple lets go of the branch it has been attached to all of its life. It finds itself safely landing on soft grass.