MKE Week 3 – Self-Realization

Somewhere early on in this MKE adventure, someone, (I think it was Candy, my Guide), mentioned that it is important to notice the resistance that comes up in this process. At that time, I was not sure how to define resistance. Was it the frustration of learning a new platform, how to post a DMP or a Blog? Or how to receive constructive criticism when writing my DMP? Or maybe it was the day-to-day commitments like, “how do I fit in all the morning/evening readings…. And what about my morning/evening routine?”

I loved my morning routine, and now I feel a little bit of resentment about not doing my “morning pages.” The list goes on….. so many new things to learn. Also, being 2 weeks behind, I have mentally had that brick to move as well. Is that the resistance I need to let go of? Does this resistance happen every time I start something new? Maybe that is why sometimes; I don’t want to start anything new. Yet, I love “new” and what sounds good from a distance. Maybe for me, part of the resistance is following through with good intentions and really keeping commitments.

And guess what? I am learning that all this resistance happens on many levels. In these last 2 weeks, all this resistance is predictable and is overcome. (With the effort of course). What surprised me yesterday was something that came up regarding money. I was being asked to contribute freely in a way that became what I perceived as being exclusive, meaning, if I did not contribute you were out of the group. Immediately I felt defensive as if this was unjust and unfair. Luckily, I realized that I needed to take a moment to process why I was feeling this way. Initially, I became critical about the way things were being worded and it seemed like you were “out of the group” if you did not “contribute”. Then I had to ask myself again, Terri, why do you feel so strongly about this? Now, keep in mind, even on my strict budget, I could still make the commitment. So why did I react so strongly?

It took a day for me to process all this. Why was I so emotionally charged? I am not normally so defensive. Could it have been that I was reading the information from the emotional place I was at 14 years ago? You see, in 2008, I remember having no money.

My husband’s business had not “taken off” like he thought. I was a stay-at-home mom with a 3rd grader and needed money to survive. I know what it was like to have no money. I think felt defensive as if I was still that person 14 years ago. I emotionalize myself putting all this effort into getting started in the group, doing the work so far, and then leaving the group because I could not make the donation. I have not thought about those days for years. I didn’t really consciously realize how much those feelings still remained part of my being . . . until this moment.

They say, “writing is therapeutic.” Truthfully, this is the first time I am doing my journaling in a format that others can read. It is all out there now. Guess there is a first time for everything.

One takeaway from all this, I have now identified one thing that I need to give up. I will give up my poverty mindset and replace it with the abundance mindset. I will remember those “lean” days and reframe them as training in resourcefulness, trust, and faith. Not only did my faith in God expand, but my faith and confidence in myself expanded as well.

As for resistance, maybe in time it will become easily recognized. When things get harder or trigger me, I can gracefully take a step back, process my feelings, make changes and move on. Life is good!