This morning as I sat in meditation with the new task from Mr Haanel, I felt anxiety in my gut. I have not earned any money at all since I started the MKMMA. I had some savings and I told myself I’d be ok for a month or so and I relaxed and focused on being a good student as well as taking care of the farm and all of the things that need to be handled here. I have worked hard and been in a good mood most of the time. And besides, oatmeal porridge with raspberries from the garden is yummy, and healthy too.
Underneath, however, there was always the knowledge that I have to get some new clients after the summer break or put together a new talk/event and make money that way. I have made money by renting out my house on Airbnb over the summer – the first time ever. Yes, I have expanded this year, found new ways of making a living and it has been fun and a good challenge. I have learned a lot and now the summer season is over. I need to do something now, the easiest way seems to be to reach out to attract new coaching clients, probably the fastest way to pay the bills in this situation. I have felt very insecure about putting out the invitation on social media. I have had hundreds of clients over the years, working with energypsychology to help them overcome fears and limitations buried deeply in the subconscious. I have seen many great and sometimes even miraculous healings happen as I have helped them free their inner child. I know my sessions work really well. Most of my clients have been very happy and satisfied, and yet, I have had so much fear around inviting new clients. I believe the greatest fear has been not being able to deliver and give them the results they desire, and I desire. The fear of what others think of me. Of not being good enough. Fear of the unknown. Who am I going to meet? Who is this other me that I invite into my life? Will there be unwanted surprises? Working with healing and liberation on such a deep level is a great responsibility. We all have shadows. I have been able to handle all of them so far, but some of them have been gnarly. And yes, of course, what I meet in another is another me. Beautiful and sometimes overwhelming. Always deeply touching.
When the guidance came about a month ago to invite new clients, after a long, long break, I resisted. I procrastinated, even gave myself the excuse that it was more important to be a good MKMMA student. I thought the course would help me let go of fear and resistance. That I would find a magic bullet that would somehow make everything different and all of my silly fears and anxiety just vanish. And yes, I have been a good student AND that particular fear has persisted, but money has to come in NOW and in truth, I love to be of service by doing sessions. What is my problem?!
Here I am, I just got out of a great 20 minute meditation where even three good friends showed up, as well as Mr Haanel who is always with me, pretty much every time I sit. I saw them all clearly, we were all happy and cheerful. Mr Haanel nodded contently as we visited the pyramids, went skiing and had lots of fun. My children came in too and I was so happy to see my son so proud of his amazing and beautiful wooden artwork.
The kids also came skiing with me in the meditation, something we have never done together all of us and I’d love to take them to the Alps. But there, in my tummy, that worried feeling, money, money, money… I felt into it and asked, what is this really? Do I have to interpret this feeling as something dangerous? Does this really have to be fear or could it be something else? I really sensed that sucking feeling in my tummy and nervousness in my heart and then, I remembered, “I am the master of producing bliss peptides”, right… I took a deep breath and then… I saw butterflies floating up from my guts, through my heart chakra, I saw perhaps four or five butterflies lifting out of my chest and flying up towards the sky. I see them now too, for my inner eye and I can see Mr Haanel smiling as he watches me release the burning sensations from inside my tummy, inside my guts and my heart as beautiful, light blue butterflies of joy and excitement. A steady flow of butterflies, whenever I want to see them and feel them… relax into that feeling of safety and trust. I tell myself to focus on faith and purpose. It can be easy if I choose it.
I got a clear vision on an image that will go with my ad on social media. Pyramids. I have already written the invitation that I will send out to anyone who might be interested in sessions. I have asked for three new, awesome and paying clients that all are now waiting for me to contact them. I can already see their faces as they read my invitation. They have felt stuck for a long time now and they are eager to connect with me and I am excited to welcome them and guide them to relax and help them travel to the depths of themselves. With my guidance they feel completely safe and they easily let go of the fear and those very first and primal limiting thought forms they picked up as small children, fears that have held them imprisoned for so long. I can feel and see their tears of joy as they release, let go and feel that awesome feeling of PEACE, STILLNESS and FREEDOM that is our true state of being. That original beingness that was forgotten as the illusion of “The River of Dreams” lured them away from that still, inner voice of Truth. Perhaps, for some of them, this moment with me will be the first time in many, many years that they re-member… It is an incredible honor for me to have the tools and skills to be able to guide, to hold their hand while they meet the truth of who they are. Who am I to withhold this from anyone who desires it? I have worked with healing for almost 30 years, so why the doubt? Why the fear, when in reality this is a journey, an adventure, that I get to go on with a dear brother or sister?
The butterflies are there again. Peaceful, yet excited butterflies, rising up through my body and up into the heavens. I see myself in my vision, my arms held up to the sky as I invite a new life. As I greet this day with love in my heart.
And as I finish this, the beautiful baroque song, “Lascia chío pianga” plays on Spotify. I used to sing this song, many years ago, I forgot about it, I forgot the opera, my soul… it is time to start singing again.