I find myself in a totally new situation and location. Out of the blue I was offered a chance to volunteer at a folk music festival in town and I gratefully accepted.
I now find myself in a very nice hotel in Örebro. Two nights, all inclusive, everything paid. The whole hotel has been booked and 80 different bands perform during the weekend. I get a chance to listen to a lot of great music and meet lots of nice, new people, which is awesome.
At the same time I feel vulnerable. Sad that I am not among the performers.
All my life I have known that I am a talented singer, song-writer and dancer. A performer. And yet, I was too scared to ever professionally pursue any of that in a committed way.
The insight is, once again, painful. I feel old, like it is too late, sad that so much of the true me is still hidden from the world.
The same excuses come up as always. Money. My father’s words echo inside of me, “you can not make a living off of being an artist”.
Nothing unique about the excuses and the fears. I have thrown off tons of cement in my life. Tons! I am brave, but I am still not there. Will I ever feel like I fulfill my Dharma? Like I do what I came here to do?
I have worked harder than most and at 61 it feels like all of it has taken me to (drum roll): nowhere (as I edit I read NowHere LOL).
Like I am always starting from scratch even though I have a longer CV than most and my life is more interesting than most Hollywood productions. What am I to understand as I lay here in my lovely hotel room feeling sorry for myself for not being one of the performers?
I know Universal Mind wants to give me so much. Abundance. Am I still just unable to fully open and receive? Feeling undeserving? Or is it that old fear of letting my light shine fully?
What would happen if I did? If so, what is the next right step for doing that? My inner voice whispers, “Rise and shine, little darling, rise and shine!”, actually it is the voice of John Lennon, not the first time he comes to guide me.
Outside lay the streets of the city where I was born. Today I will go for a walk here and, with new eyes, discover the city that welcomed me to the planet. And I will shine.
Back from my walk. I bought a new expensive face lotion for myself. I can’t say I shone on my walk. Now I just feel like being in acceptance, loving myself and my vulnerability.
To be whole I integrate all parts of me. Soon there will be a time to shine and I am getting ready. Time to rest and then take a shower and get ready for tonight and lots of great music.