A big black cloud rolled over my life late last week. I felt it coming and continue to build all around me. I searched for the reasoning behind these feelings or a purpose for the downturn. I’ve been thru this before and I just don’t have the patience to wait out the weeks or even months that it has taken in the past for the storm to pass. I continued to go about my regular schedule and upon meeting others I decided I would continue to greet everyone with a smile and a silent ‘I love you’; I’m going to beat the storm quickly this round by applying some of the techniques I’ve been learning. BAM …the lightning strikes… the responses were everything from a scowl to a grumble session about life or weather. I had the proverbial rug pulled out from under me by people whom I had trusted. What the H E (double hockey stick), that’s not how this is supposed to work. I’m being ‘positive’ they aren’t supposed to react this way.
Over the last day and a half, I gave myself the harsh reality check I needed. I was getting what I was giving because neither my smile nor my words were genuine. My focus needed to change away from factors that were out of my control to thoughts that I could control and dissipate the big black cloud. I had allowed an outside source take away my belief in myself, jealousy can be such a sneaky, vile creature.
When I read the verse that I have posted on my mirror, “I can do all things thru Him who strengthens me” Phil 4:13, it forced me to my knees. Haanel’s suggestion to focus on Mark 11:24 could not have come at a better time for me, and as Og states “we need the darkness to see the stars”. This morning I picked up my index cards and read thru all of them; I celebrate the fact that I wrote them out. I rebuild my belief in myself with every passing minute. My head hurts from brain strain but I continue to put one foot in front of the other to walk this road as well. There is so much value in this course for every aspect of our lives, whether it is while the choir is singing Christmas carols or while the thunder rolls.