“Hello darkness (aka Subby) my old friend
I’ve come to talk with you again
Because a vision (DMP) softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain (the sit)
Within the sound of silence” – Paul Simon
How do I describe what I experienced this past weekend? I’m already getting misty-eyed as I write this. A weekend of silence and solitude that I have never done before. I believe the human spirit feels emotions that our minds just cannot put words to. They can only be felt and experienced, But I will try my best to describe.
It took me an hour to drive to the Air bnb I reserved in the middle of Amish country, Pennsylvania on Friday afternoon right after my work day ended at 2 pm. I was never one to like the looks and smells of farms, but this time I practiced being in the NOW and appreciated the gradual transition from busy, loud highways, traffic, and commercial buildings to winding, single-lane roads where I heard the clip-clop of horses pulling Amish buggies more than the hum of car engines. I appreciated the rolling hills and dormant farmland that spread out for miles, making the sky look bigger.
Nancy O. was right; the first day was spent just allowing my chatter box to have it’s say until it ran out of steam while I just watched the sun set and be still. No judgement, just observing. But later that night, I started asking the questions:
What am I pretending not to know?
What am I pretending not to REMEMBER?
What latent peptide addictions are still insisting on getting fed?
I just need to be still and quiet long enough to give her a chance to speak.
I fell asleep with these questions, but no answers yet.
Saturday I awoke to the most amazing sunrise right outside my bedroom and got out in time to soak in that precious red light therapy. It felt amazing to not have any agenda to think about, no one to call, no errands to run, just BE. (And what a difference it made for my sleep, where I am usually up at least once a night with thoughts of my obligations. For the first time my mind was still.)
As the day progressed, my mind relaxed some more and my heart began to speak. I was awash with waves of gratitude over things that were prior hurts and sources of pain. For example, gratitude for my ex—because our unique DNA brought forth my three amazing daughters. Out of two broken family trees of generational “curses” and pains, three shiny new saplings have begun a new trajectory headed towards a life of faith, hope, and love.
Basking in the cycles of the day and nature (watching the sun rise and set, the birds serenading each new day), I was reminded of how we are all connected in this universe and baffled at why we hurt each other so much rather than love. Contemplating that when we hurt each other, we are only hurting ourselves. Why don’t we get this? Where does this sense of separation come from? I felt it so strongly it broke my heart and brought tears to my eyes thinking of how too many of us miss this simple fact. Again, no words adequately describe.
By now I was in the full swing of my new “non” routine of sitting. I kept repeating to myself, “It’s ok to surrender. It’s ok to remember. It’s ok to let go.” Hurtful memories rose to my consciousness and I allowed the hurt child within to cry and mourn and no longer deny to save face. Bittersweet to say the least. But now I know what I have to do next, who I have to talk to. It’s necessary for my DMP to be actualized. “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” All the hurts, mistakes, regrets, of my life can be used to help others, to give my pain a purpose and make my mess a message to others. I am here for such a time as this.
Sunday afternoon brought to mind my first awareness of time since I arrived. Ugh, the clock is back. I simply did not want this miraculous time to end. My weekend alone with my compass. I don’t want to go back to civilization, back to the machine. But there are others there who need to hear of the gift we have found in this wonderful Master Key Experience. And so I return and continue the Hero’s Journey,
Wow Jake! Thank you so much for these words. I wouldn’t have been able to do this journey without you and God for your constant support and patience and unconditional love!
Great quote from Paul Simon’s song Stefanie! Love this!
Over the last 3 years I have watched, learned & grown into a better person because of the journey you have been on. Unlearning so many things we were raised on. Forgiving ourselves of who we once were & accepting who we have become on our way to where God intends for us to go.
“What am I pretending not to remember”……what a powerful statement of true reality that has become so comfortable within our subby. We have so much going on from worldly noise to our inner chatter that this silence, for me, has forced deep embedded “things” in my subby to start to surface. It has been such a powerful roller coaster of emotions that many times I have no words to describe what I am feeling…..it’s just a feeling. So thank you for sharing this & being transparent on what you are going through. It has helped me to better understand what I am experiencing as well.
May God continue to help you break through walls, seek His truth for your life & work through you to bless others. Your heart is so incredibly amazing to me & your spirit takes my breath away with it’s glory & beauty.
I love you & thank God every day for allowing me to be a part of your life, your journey & your future.
A great weekend that you had. In times of forgiveness to others and yourself (including your inner child), Ho’ Oponopono is a great practice- I am sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.
So, so beautiful, Stefanie…thank you for sharing your experience, your heart. Well said and well shared xoxo
Amen Brittany! I feel the same way.
Thank you so much Teresa! You don’t know how much your words have blessed me, as part of my DMP is to write a book and I am going overcoming doubts about my ability to do so.
I love this Brittany!
This is beautiful Stephanie. You are an excellent writer. I truly appreciate your perspective on this profound experience.
Beautiful experience with the Silent Retreat, Stefanie, thanks for sharing your wisdom!
And stick with the rest of us, Nancy. Great blog, Stephanie! 🙂
I’ve said the same Bible verse to myself the last few days – “All things work together for good for those who love God” and I add “and I love God.” I take comfort in knowing all the bad things that have happened in my life are being used for my good and the good of others through my service of honoring God.
It is very hard to put into words – but you did a fine job! That experience is going to stick with you.