MKE Week 22 – Respecting Myself

“Sadness is anger turned inward”. I don’t know where I picked that up, but those are the words that come to me now. The coming two weeks I have agreed to take care of the farm while my mother and her partner are in Spain for holidays. I am staying in her house. Being by myself here at the farm means a lot of extra responsibility. It is not the first time I have done this.

For many years I have been alone here for extended periods of time with all the animals and all the things that need my attention. The first few years it was hard on me and I remember the feeling of being on call 24/7 for two weeks with no one there to help me. And back then I had two small children to take care of too. It was too much and as I moved in here yesterday, the old feelings of being overworked, sad and lonely came over me. Being in that situation back then I was weak, insecure. Feeling that way I allowed some less than helpful people to come into my life. I was used and abused and didn’t know anyone here in Glanshammar.

But I have changed. I am not the same anymore. Now that they try to show up in my life again it brings up anger from deep inside of myself. I do not allow them to use and abuse me anymore. They are surprised. They question why I have changed. Feel that I am not fair to them and expect me to let them come and “hang out”. No, I say no, and it is healthy and I use this anger to propel me forward. I know my boundaries now. This too shall pass.